The Fake News - Funny Fake News Blog

After being tipped off by an unnamed source, it has been alleged that an elderly NHS patient was yesterday escorted from the premises of his local hospital after requesting some ‘granny porn’ to look at, whilst waiting for TREATMENT in the reception area of his hospital at Great Norman Street.

It is believed that the old man, who was waiting to see a ‘young nurse’ about his ‘dodgy knee’ had requested the (mature) adult material after being forced to wait 69 minutes for treatment at the hospital on Wednesday morning.

According to one of the staff at the Great Norman street hospital, who wishes to remain anonymous (we will only refer to her using her first name), Magdalena said that the old man seemed agitated in the waiting room, and them asked at the desk if they had any copies of ‘Tomb-Womb-Raider’, ‘Jurassic Pork’ and ‘Inspect Her Gadget’.

The elderly man is now believed to be considering private health care, as he believes ‘granny porn’ will be readily available there, as he believes the private health care sector provides a far better service than the NHS does.

A nazi Michelin man has been discovered in Bitburg, a small village in Western-Germany.
The discovery was made by a blind German bus driver, who noticed the facist fatty whilst taking his car in for servicing at his local garage.

However it is believed that Nazism is still very much dead in Germany, and that the car garage owners are definitely not Nazis (one was quite short and fat with brown hair - quite the opposite of the so called ‘perfect German’ as reported by German historians.)
It is believed that the image actually contained a perfectly square piece of dirt - replicating the exact size and style of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler’s facial hair.

According to the local German police force, the car garage owners will be forced to face death by firing squad - unless they wipe off the 3cm x 3cm offensive piece of Nazi-style dirt.

Hello there.  We apologise for the lack of fake news recently - our star newsreader Trevor McNotDonald was bitten by an estranged dog and has been unable to report on any fake news.

Meanwhile whilst Trevor recouperates, The Fake News blog are looking to hire some people interested in helping us write and post the latest fake news. If this is the sort of thing that interests you (probably have nothing better to do, etc) then please get in touch using the contact address below. Thank you.

contact  ( at ) ur2funny (  dot  ) info

Dozens of Nokia customers are said to be angry and annoyed with the Phone giants after the release of one of their latest models, the Nokia 5500. The phone was believed to be one of the first of its kind, with incredible ground-breaking technology available on the phone - the pedometer. This is the feature that has caused uproar amongst several customers, who believe that Nokia have made false-claims regarding the phone.
Many customers believed that the pedometer was able to detect paedophiles living in the nearby area, which would alert the user by sounding a serious of long, prolonged beeps. It turns out however that the pedometer is merely a device which is able to count the footsteps that a person makes, whilst carrying the phone.
Several of the 5500 mobile owners feel that their childrens lives are now in danger, all because the phone fails to live up to the standards that they felt Nokia had promised.

English actor Danny John-Jules, better known as Kat from legendary comedy show Red Dwarf, has revelead his frustration of living in Sheffield for the past few months since Argentinan Carlos Tevez scored the goal sealing the relegation of Sheffield United from the English Premier League.

Danny John-Jules (kat from red dwarf) is unfortunately blessed with the same distinguishable facial features as that of ex West Ham and current Manchester United footballer Carlos Tevez (at least when on Red Dwarf). Since Tevez was introduced to the Premiership with West Ham back in February 07, Danny John-Jules (kat from red dwarf) was continuously getting heckled and confronted in the street, mainly by over-excited West Ham supporters.

However, since Danny John-Jules (kat from red dwarf) has previously moved house from London to Sheffield, most of the confrontations have turned into that of hatrid - ever since Carlos Tevez scored the goal which sealed Sheffield United’s relegation from the league.

Danny John-Jules (kat from red dwarf) has described how he has witnessed fans have wrapped the Argentinian flag around his pride and joy - his brand new Nissan Panda and have then set the car ablaze. He also claims to  have been called “a hairy Argentinian man” and has had other similar taunts related to his choice of haircut. Danny John-Jules (kat from red dwarf) also claims to have his best friend (a dog named Carlito - ironically) abducted by a man wearing a Sheffied United shirt. This claim was dismissed though when it was discovered that it was actually his wife, wearing a stripey red blouse who was actually taking the dog to the vets for it’s monthly check up.

Meanwhile, Carlos Tevez has spoken out against movie character The Incredible Hulk - claiming that he often gets mistaken for the mis-shappen giant green monster.

It has been revealed that a tibetan radio station has apparently held a 60 year ban against The Beatles’ smash-hit single ‘Hey Jude’, due to a misunderstanding after translating the world famous track. It was rumoured that the radio station were worried after believing the song was written about a depressed and lonely German Jew - hence the title (according to their dodgy translation) ‘Hey Jew’.

At the time the Tibetan radio station had seen this as a major insult by The Beatles, believing their song to be completely racist and ill-timed. This came some 20 years after the end of the second world war, so it is unclear how they can base their story on the song being written about a war-stricken jewish person.

However, the Tibetan radio station have now realised their 60 year long mistake, and will begin playing the Beatles track on next mondays show - on which the Dalai Lama is set to be a special guest, where he will be plugging his latest DVD release; Debt Management with the Dalai Lama.

Rumours have been circulating that the CIA are set to open up a brand new, completely secure and unique communications tool which is believed to bring the UK to the top of the charts in terms of technological and communication developments - they will be opening up a brand new facebook group.

The claims have upset some Ministry Of Defence officials, who claim that the operations and identities of the CIA may be under jeopardy, and that lives will be at risk if they go ahead with the planned facebook group. Apparently these outcries have fallen on deaf CIA ears, as from of our own research it appears that the top-secret CIA group has already been created on the website.

The CIA will now perform all operations and communications directly on their own personal facebook group, and from reading the group notes it appears as if there next target is going to be what is referred to on the group-page as “operation doherty”. This is believed to be a drugs-raid on troubled Babysham singer Pete Doherty, who is apparently going to be taken hostage and transported to an opium-poppy field in China, where he can continue his drugs-binge in peace whilst away from the public eye. It has been predicted that crime in London will fall by %17 when Doherty is finally deported.

It has been claimed that a new race of human beings have been uncovered, living in the ice-cold Swiss glacier of Aletsch, deep in the Alps. The discovery was made by Captain Birdseye whilst out on his fishing boat “The Fishy Finger”.

“I was out on my boat heading back to the bay when I saw what looked like a pair of buttocks” said the shocked fisherman. “I went a little closer to investigate and thats when I saw another set, and then another. Suddenly I was surrounded by buttocks - and thats when I realised I had found some kind of weird group of people, completely naked and raving on a glacier”.

It is believed that the new race of humans will be named “Burdseighfingherz” after their discoverer, the legendary Captain Birdseye (couldn’t name them Birdseye due to copyright infringement from Iceland foods supermarket). Apparently these people don’t agree with wearing clothing because it traps their souls and by being naked it allows all evil spirits to escape - despite the minus 30 degrees temparatures and constant bear attacks.

It has been suggested that this new race of people could be partly to blame for the melting of the ice caps, due to their constant raves and lack of clothing (they continuosly give off bodyheat when naked which helps to melt the glaciers). The American government is now on stand-by to dispatch navy seals to help eliminate this threat to the global environment, though its unsure if seals will be able to communicate effictively with the new race (and that seals come under constant attack from various predators). As a back-up plan a pidgeon is currently being trained to fly to the glaciers with a message attached to its beak, though they are unsure if the new race are able to understand the English language.

Sheffield United football club are now considering legal action against the man that reads out the football scores at the end of the day on BBC 1, due to the fact that he acknowledged Carlos Tevez’ goal for West Ham against Man Utd when that player should have been ineligible,by reading out that the final score was 1-0 to West Ham.
According to our unnamed source Sheffield United believe that the man that reads out the football scores should have remained silent throughout the 30 minute live television broadcast, as a kind of silent protest in favour of Sheffield United. Or that he should have declared that match void due to Carlos Tevez playing, or that West Ham will be docked points for fielding the ineligible player.
Meanwhile it has been rumoured that ex-Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock has been spotted in the Sheffield Job Center, along with best friend and famous actor Sean Bean.

Legendary book author Stephen King has reportedly been seen having what one witness described as “some kind of mental-breakdown” at the Alice Springs book store, Australia. Best selling author King was seen strolling around the book store, pushing other customers out of the way whilst shouting “I AM THE KING!”. He was then seen to search the store for his latest novel, Lisey’s Story, and proceeded to graffitti the pages throughout the book, rendering the books completely worthless. On closer inspection of some of the vandalised King books it appears that the troubled American author simply scribbled out every visible page number throughout the book, replacing them with other random numbers (17,21,6,67 etc) just to confuse readers.

This latest act of vandalism comes after a series of other threatening and violent acts, one of which includes throwing copies of bestselling books “The Shining” and “Misery” (hardback editions) at random passers-by in King’s hometown of Portland, Maine.
Stephen King is now reportedly set to be given an ASBO for his unruly behaviour, and has been banned from all (27) bookstores in Australia.